Please Quiet Down

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please, let me be the first to welcome you to your university experience. It promises to be a wonderful time of your life, full of hardwork and memories that you will never forget. That is, if you can make it to graduation without some sort of horrible tragedy befalling you.

Whats that you say? "No tragedies for me", you say? Well, we will see about that my little first year friends. Just keep talking while the prof at the front of the room is talking and we will see what tragedies are happening to who.

Before anyone gets into a huff and starts decrying me for publishing written threats to the internet, I should probably give myself a chance to explain. I hate when other students talk with the professor is talking. It's as simple as that. I am paying thousands of dollars for the priviledge of being in this class room, soaking up the knowledge around me (stewing in it, if you will) and every time you speak out of turn to your friend, you are wasting my time, money and sanity. Your belief that what ever you have to say can not wait another 45 minutes or an hour is completely incorrect, and furthur more, this belief also helps to make you one of the more assinign humans I have ever had the joy of encountering.

It is really amazing the things that you can learn when you pay attention in class. Maybe you should try this. I have never asked you to keep it down before because for some bizarre reason, I will feel rude having to be the one to do it. But you will see me there, pen poised over the page of my notebook, staring intently at the front of the room but not writing anything. Its because after years of attending clubs and concerts I only have on good ear, and you are sitting next to it, going on and on about who is going where this Thursday night and why you dont know if you want to be there but your bf and your bff are going and omg did you see what that slutty girl that lives down the hall was wearing the other night when she was talking to your bf's bff?
I. Dont. Care.

You sound like a blithering idiot and I am pretty sure my profs are all terrifired of me because the more you talk the angrier I become and the more homicidal the look on my face gets.

But seriously guys, please stop talking in class. Or even better, stop sitting next to your friends. Trust me, everyone around you who is trying to pay attention hates you. Plus, for every bad mark that you receive because you are a blithering idiot, you are wasting either OSAP's, daddies or perhaps more importantly, your own hard earned money that you shovel over to the school each semester. Think about it. And if you absolutly must, feel free to discuss this quietly amoungst yourselves.